What's love without the loss?

I feel like I'm losing something I never really had. This is me. What do you want me to do about it? I love to laugh and talk. You still came yesterday after I displayed that. But, now? Now I don't know. I can't dance. I don't dance like a slut. I dance how I want. I'd much rather be taking pictures of people dancing than dancing myself. I feel like a fool. I am a fool.

I feel like I'm losing someone I never really had. Perhaps its paranoia. Not the kind that will land me in a mental institution. The kind that's not big enough for that, but it's too big for me. I can't take it. It keeps pounding at me. You. You. And You.

If you don't like me, then leave.

Keep talking, keep this alive.

Everytime I hear you talk. Everytime I look at you. Everytime you look at me. Everyime we speak. I want to shoot myself in the head. Or how about the heart? But, that is not possible because I have no heart. My body is not complete. My blood ran cold a long time ago and my heart stopped beating. It's not there. I cannot feel. I only distribute hate to you. My veins are usless. They lay there in my body dead. My head would be the better choice in this situation. I would no longer be able to think. Bullet to the brain baby. Not a bullet to the heart.

How can I be alive?

Poison is a temporary solution.

She stares at her food like it's poision. But, her stomach growls. So hungry. Oh so hungry. Never ending battle of what they see vs. what she sees. She swallows. It's hard. Her stomach is relieved momentarily until tomorrow when she starves herself again. This is only temporary.

Sit tight and hold on. This will be a bumpy ride.

I've been lacking in updates just like I've been lacking in time. After October 30th, my soul will be sold momentarily.

Yesterday was one of my favorite days. It was my favorite present. Now it shall be my favorite past. My favorite memory. One of them. I felt like the smallest person in the entire world. I liked that feeling. I stood in the core of millions of people. I didn't matter. In that place I was no one. I was a pretty face passing by and bumping into your shoulder muttering 'sorry'. No one said sorry except for me. That's what set me apart from everyone else. I delcared my independence by still having the decency to apologize. I wanted to spread my arms and just stand there in the bitter cold being no one. It felt nice to have people pass you by and not know who you are. I liked being a no one. I liked the feeling of not mattering there. Almost invisible. Never invincable. Cold air blowing past your face and hiding under your hood. "We're hoodlums. Get it? Hood-lums." Gorgeous faces. Not so gorgeous places. Scary people. Warm people. Two weddings. We stopped for a moment to enjoy the smiles on their faces. "They don't know what they're in for."

When I returned home I mattered again. I was somebody again. All my troubles were back. I couldn't enjoy being away. Even for half a day I enjoyed it. No cares. No worries. It was all alright. I won't get that feeling back for awhile. I have nothing to look forward to. I looked forward to you but this isn't working. Help.

I can't track my moods. Lately, anyway. I don't know whether I'm happy to know him or angry that I do. Sometimes he makes me want to shoot myself in the heart.

xo.

Stop.

I hate when people are vain and think everything I write is about them. Usually, it's not. Usually it's about many people grouped into one entry or piece of writing. Except for my last entry (which was about Steph). Are people are conceited that they think I'd waste a whole few minutes of my life to rant just about one person? I don't think so.

There are plenty of people I know. There are plenty of people I know who are the same in many ways. Get your head away from wherever it is and realize there are more people in this world I know than you. There are more people in this world I know that are doing the same things you are.

And that wasn't for just one person either. Because a lot of people also think things are just about them.

So stop being so vain.
Get over yourself.

Thanks.

I'm not here to be nice. I'm here to tell you the truth.

Right now, two things are bothering me very much. Very, very much. I don't care who reads this. And I know that at least one person is going to figure out who and what this is about.

I can't stand the fact that right now, I see an amazing girl who is sweet as good lemonade in the summertime, feeling so lonely. She tells me she's losing her best friend and I don't know what to do except be a best friend to her. I'm not trying to replace anyone. I'm just giving her what she needs. A real friend. A true friend. A friend that will always talk to her. A friend that will forget homework and forget to study, or just plain ignore it, just to talk to this girl for an hour. Or even fifteen minutes. This girl deserves this. We all deserve this. Most of us.

Then there is the person on the other side of this. The 'so called best friend'. The one ignoring this girl. The one who doesn't seem to care. I like this girl. Or so I think. But, she's making a big mistake. She's not giving the other girl the best friend she deserves. She's leaving her out in the dust. She's making her feel alone. She's making her feel like she's losing something. A part of her. And she doesn't even seem to care. She doesn't even seem to try.

This bothers me.

It also bothers me that someone has the nerve to thinking crying is a weakness. Crying is one of the most human things to do. Why do you think God gave us tear ducts? To wipe away dirt from our eyes and to show emotion. I wish I could do it more, but I cannot. Crying does not always equal weakness. Cutting equals weakness. Cutting yourself because you can't deal with yourself or problems you face is weakness. You probably have it better than a thousand other people and you're being selfish. You're bleeding because you can't handle something. That ... that is weakness.

I'm tired of being nice.
I'm tired of saying things in the nice(r) way.
I'm tired of telling the truth and telling it slant.
I'm going to be honest with you now.

You're not stupid. But, what you've done is stupid.

xo.

Untitled.

My emotions are overloading
You can read them all on my face
The blues and violets are no longer colors
They only represent my mourning
"Take me away, take me away"
"Stop staring, stop staring"
My past, present, and future are all here
They're all happening at once, together
It's all the same and it always will be
Blank, torn pages of something that was never there
Were you really ever here?
I know you're not here now, for sure.
"Good-bye, Good-Bye" they all call out
But, their voices are just whispers
Echoing the empty halls
My past, present, and future are all crashing down.

Nothing ever makes sense.

I want to hate you so much. I don't want to like you anymore. It starts to work until we have conversations like the one's we're having now.

Why?