Sit tight and hold on. This will be a bumpy ride.

I've been lacking in updates just like I've been lacking in time. After October 30th, my soul will be sold momentarily.

Yesterday was one of my favorite days. It was my favorite present. Now it shall be my favorite past. My favorite memory. One of them. I felt like the smallest person in the entire world. I liked that feeling. I stood in the core of millions of people. I didn't matter. In that place I was no one. I was a pretty face passing by and bumping into your shoulder muttering 'sorry'. No one said sorry except for me. That's what set me apart from everyone else. I delcared my independence by still having the decency to apologize. I wanted to spread my arms and just stand there in the bitter cold being no one. It felt nice to have people pass you by and not know who you are. I liked being a no one. I liked the feeling of not mattering there. Almost invisible. Never invincable. Cold air blowing past your face and hiding under your hood. "We're hoodlums. Get it? Hood-lums." Gorgeous faces. Not so gorgeous places. Scary people. Warm people. Two weddings. We stopped for a moment to enjoy the smiles on their faces. "They don't know what they're in for."

When I returned home I mattered again. I was somebody again. All my troubles were back. I couldn't enjoy being away. Even for half a day I enjoyed it. No cares. No worries. It was all alright. I won't get that feeling back for awhile. I have nothing to look forward to. I looked forward to you but this isn't working. Help.

I can't track my moods. Lately, anyway. I don't know whether I'm happy to know him or angry that I do. Sometimes he makes me want to shoot myself in the heart.

xo.