Iamyourdaughter.

It's slowly winding down to and end. A hault. A complete and total stop. The ice cream doesn't taste the same anymore. The sun's lost it's luster. The cold isn't getting warmer. The starts aren't shimmering the same. (And they always were my stars. Please, don't fall. Give me hope.) My smile isn't the same.

He really doesn't understand. I am him. I am exactly like him. He doesn't expect me to fight back and I do. I'm him but smarter. I'm optimized. When will he realize that?

"I will."
No, you won't. And I won't either. We won't leave him, ever. The day I say 'I do' is the only time I'll ever leave him.

I suddenly don't have the will anymore. The rainy days are rolling in and I find my moods matching the weather. It was gloomy and so was I. Nothing can spark this smile. Don't believe it, anyway. I'm only doing it for you to show you I'm okay. You know something's wrong when you don't have the will to smile. Especially me.

Summer blues.

I'm falling for you like an avalanche.

Here we go.

And for once it might be grand, to have someone understand, I want so much more than they've got planned ...
I really find truth to those lyrics. No one seems to notice how passionate I am about becoming a police officer.
They all know I want to (except my Dad, I think) and they all probably think it will never happen.
I want so much to be one. More than anyone knows. Anyone. I wish I could find someone that understands it. Really.

`I need you now more than ever.` I hate when someone says that to me then leaves me hanging for another half an hour until I can call them. I'm happy it wasn't what I expected.
I wasn't ready for shock to set in or anything like that.
It turned out to be something totally different than I expected ... sort of.
I'm relieved ... sort of.

It'll all be okay ... eventually.

You know, you know it will always just be me.

I feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
The weight of a dead boyfriend.
Dead as in, dead to me.
Dead as in he never seemed to make the effort to even talk/see my anymore.
Dead as in it's over.
Dead.

Now I'm thinking of death again. And how once we die, someday we'll be foregotten. As soon as we die, of course, (hopefully) all our family and friends will be mourning over the fact we died. Our children will mourn. Our grandchildren will mourn. Maybe even great grandchildren. But, what happens when the last person who was holding onto your memory just that little bit (maybe even so pushing you to the backs of their minds, but you're still there) dies? We're foregotten. Unless we've achieved something great and our names are published and out there somewhere (or our pictures) we are totally foregotten.

I shall make a name for myself. I don't want to be foregotten forever.
Not me.

I want to file a restraining order against myself.

It's been over for awhile and he just hasn't noticed yet.
I've been waiting and waiting for the right moment.
I've been trying so hard to build up enough courage to let him down.
This feeling just won't go away.
It makes my skin burn and itch just thinking about it.
It's something I have to do, though.

Silly me is making it sound like the end of the world ...
... when in fact it's not.

Wait..what?

I don't even know why I've got one of these.

Another place to post how I feel?

I doubt anyone cares much anyway.

Well, I know at least one person does.

How selfish of me to say that.