One more thought before I shut you out.

get me out of my mind. sometimes i hate thinking the way i do because i feel like i'm selling myself short. it's like i have a one night stand with good times then they all go home in the morning. trading laughs for cries and happiness for sorrow. i make everything overly dramatic, at least in my mind.

thank you for the smile you sent my way when i asked about the quarter over your shoulder.

one more thing. i hate the way you talk to me but don't seem to care. you stalk my away messages and only speak when you think they're about you. forget my favorite relationship, blood can be replaced.

White vs. Blue

I wish I cared enough to make a New Years Resolution. I feel horrible for saying that, but it's true. I don't need it to be New Years Eve to propose different things to make myself a better person. I can do that any day I choose and I will too. It's just a new year. Another new year to make mistakes, break promises, and lose people. Another year to make good memories, fix relationships, and find friends.

I love the way my hair shines under the sunlight. It makes it look different than myself and sometimes that's okay. I swear that one morning I saw the sunrise tint the world pink. I looked around at everything and it looked prettier with a new shade. I've been noticing all this lately. Up before the sun rises and sleeping way after it sets. I like capturing moments like those and always hate when I miss something so special. I'll snap away pictures until my lense breaks then tear myself up because I didn't catch those clouds with sunbursts shining through them.

I'm not sure what makes you any different from everyone else. You always let me down but find a way to pick me back up again. It's strange. I'm not sure what I feel for you but I know it's something. Friends vs. More than that. I'll figure it out sooner or later. Hopefully later, I have other things to concentrate on. I like that sense of wonder in my mind, anyway.

Nervous for things. I want to travel two hours on Sunday to see the four people that save my mornings with someone I've never spoken to in person, yet. It should be an interesting experience. I like making new friends and we share a lot already. Names, for one. I'm flattered she even offered. I didn't think she was serious at first and now I do. I just hope we're able to take ourselves on this adventure. Just no awkward conversation silences, please. I'm not getting my hopes up, but I'm excited.

Those white flakes fall slowly from the sky. Almost graceful but I daresay more disastrous than anything. You say they fall with finesse and I say they fall with damage control not in their contract. They're falling is very much planned and they won't care how/where they land. Making people 'ooh' and 'ahh' over something so delicate and simple. The only words from my mouth are 'eww' and 'blah'. I know their plans. White isn't common around here right now and I'm not going to lie and say it makes me blue.

Fiction.

It's the same old same again. Back where we started. cut me loose and let me down. I don't want to be with you. Untie your memories of me and set me free. You're holding me down everytime you let me down so just let me go. My diamond eyes only cry gold tears, but only when you're here. Here as in my head, here as in my heart, here as in never dead.

Dead and gone. Dead and gone.

My mouth only spits out apologies anymore, anyway. I try to avoid all human contact sometimes. I want to be locked away in a world of my very own. I'll stare at the wall until my eyes hurt and I'll close them, only opening them again to check out of the corner of my eye to see if you're gone. You're never gone. You're always there waiting. Waiting for me, that is. It never fails. All the attention I crave and need is exactly what I don't want. To be a nobody would certainly be my perfect dream, an unsettling one at that. I'll never reach it, just as I won't ever reach the stars. As long as I have my name it acts as my ID to be someone. Here I am. Me. Still spitting out different words and apologies for ignoring you. I said it was an accident, but it was really planned. I'll just live with it for now. Getting all the attention I need and more, not wanting it, but taking it anyway. It's like an addiction. You want to give it up so much, yet can't. I'm stubborn. You're all caught. I wish we could go out and be nobody. Forgotten forever.

That's too easy. Instead I'm sitting here staring at bright Christmas lights on this fake forest like tree. They call them white lights, I call them yellow. They look more yellow than white anyway. The true while light is pure and I won't see it until my death day. Yes, the day I do. I'm hoping for it and living on it. One day it'll bless me by showing itself to my newly dead eyes. I'll follow it until it encompasses around me and sets me free. I'll be waiting for this day.

Someone said to me last night, "I wonder who will die first. You or me." And I replied, "I'm not sure. I guess we'll see. Who even says we'll know each other then?" I darken everyone's brightest day sometimes. This makes me feel horrible. But, I move on and so should you.