Dead and gone. Dead and gone.

My mouth only spits out apologies anymore, anyway. I try to avoid all human contact sometimes. I want to be locked away in a world of my very own. I'll stare at the wall until my eyes hurt and I'll close them, only opening them again to check out of the corner of my eye to see if you're gone. You're never gone. You're always there waiting. Waiting for me, that is. It never fails. All the attention I crave and need is exactly what I don't want. To be a nobody would certainly be my perfect dream, an unsettling one at that. I'll never reach it, just as I won't ever reach the stars. As long as I have my name it acts as my ID to be someone. Here I am. Me. Still spitting out different words and apologies for ignoring you. I said it was an accident, but it was really planned. I'll just live with it for now. Getting all the attention I need and more, not wanting it, but taking it anyway. It's like an addiction. You want to give it up so much, yet can't. I'm stubborn. You're all caught. I wish we could go out and be nobody. Forgotten forever.

That's too easy. Instead I'm sitting here staring at bright Christmas lights on this fake forest like tree. They call them white lights, I call them yellow. They look more yellow than white anyway. The true while light is pure and I won't see it until my death day. Yes, the day I do. I'm hoping for it and living on it. One day it'll bless me by showing itself to my newly dead eyes. I'll follow it until it encompasses around me and sets me free. I'll be waiting for this day.

Someone said to me last night, "I wonder who will die first. You or me." And I replied, "I'm not sure. I guess we'll see. Who even says we'll know each other then?" I darken everyone's brightest day sometimes. This makes me feel horrible. But, I move on and so should you.