Flowers do fade

You're the clown and I'm the circus.

2008-04-04T22:15:00.003-04:00

I always seem to miss him at weird times. I was never really sure if it was him I missed or just the thought of him. I think it's actually a combination of both. I saw a picture of him today with his friends and it really made me miss him. I know that deep down inside I secretly hope to run into him while I'm in town or wherever. The last time I saw him it was from a distance and through a window. I wonder if he ever thinks of me the way I randomly think of him.

I cannot believe I'm actually admitting that I miss him either. I'm torn on the subject. Part of me tells myself that he's wrong for me and not worth being missed. I tell myself that he's 'scum' and I shouldn't care about him. He was a jerk. The other part of me tells myself that he really didn't do anything that wrong. I don't even know the whole story because we never talked about it. It just sort of all ended that night. I tell myself he's worth missing. Maybe he is and maybe he isn't. If he's meant to come back into my life, I'm sure the fates will allow it.

I'm not scared to die, but I'm a bit afraid of what comes after.

2007-08-16T23:18:00.000-04:00

I want to put summer into one of my old shoe boxes and save it for those cold winter months. For some reason I've gotten to thinking that if I save a little sunshine for then, when I open my box it will all come bursting out. I'll be back to the lazy days I spent at home instead of those busy days at school. Like that could ever happen.

I spend my whole day awaiting the night. I wait for one minute conversations instead of enjoying my company. It makes no sense, really. I'll miss these days I've clearly wasted soon ... wasted on waiting for nothing ...

I don't make sense anymore. Not even to myself. I want to play hard to get but he's already got so much of me. I'm too impatient. As much as I want to take it slow and play it by year, I want to know all that he has planned for us. Or all that he doesn't have planned. Am I even in his future? Tonight's awkward conversation makes me laugh. It might've been the whiskey I drank. I'll blame it on that.

I've realized stars are some of my favorite things. Maybe because they're always there when others aren't. They're there to talk to, wish on, and dream with. Always there to listen when others cover their ears or turn away. A little piece of you in the sky, but farther away. Perhaps that's better. We can't attach ourselves to them as we do to people. Yet, they still smile down at us and we love them just the same ...

I like when people listen to me word for word, not just beginning and end. I like when people pick out certain words and phrases and relate them back to things I've said before. I always repeat things in some way and in some form. It takes a true friend to realize this. I love her for this.

Standing in the rain is like getting hit with bullets.

2007-06-21T20:36:00.000-04:00

When you're caught out in the rain you try to avoid every puddle possible even though you're already soaked. There's something about wet and denim that don't go right together. It causes that feeling of heaviness pulling down at your body worse than the gravity keeping you glued to the Earth.

Everyone screams when the thunder booms. Your eyes light up with the flashes in the sky. Ready for the cloud to burst open, but not really. If you were ready you wouldn't be under it, getting soaked when it starts to pour. Instead, you stand there trying to find some place that is dry when in fact ... there is no where.

Yet, soaking wet, you still try to avoid every puddle possible. What's the difference if your jeans start to pull you down anymore? You cannot drown in a puddle ... or can you? Face first into a ditch of merky mud. It feels like bullets on your back without the blood loss. Even so, the pain isn't the same without the silver.

Someone who drowns in three feet of water won't get the same applause as someone who drowns in more.

Why?

You'll drown if you stay in the water too long.

2007-05-02T20:27:00.000-04:00

"I don't want a relationship right now." I think you don't want one right now because you're scared. You're scared that you might fall for me. There's something there. I know there is. I feel it. Everytime we brush past each other or lock eyes ... sparks.

Or maybe it's all in my head.

My head has been a whirlwind the past month. Fail. Pass. Achieve. Dream. Love. Hate. Anger. Frustration. Sweat. Tears. Blood. Sorrow. Sleep. Tiredness. Happiness. I can't seem to be set on one emotion. It's a blur of all fifteen in a day.

Waiting on you. Go.

Are you ready for me to jump back into your life again? Go back to what it meant then. This is now, but I'm set on the past except better. We can be better. Give it a chance.

True to your heart.

2007-04-04T06:47:00.000-04:00

I saw a little old woman on the news today. She's 98 and throwing the first pitch for an opening baseball game for the minor league Yankees. I hope I'm like that when I'm older. Just enjoying the game of baseball.

"I'm not a baseball player, but I love the game."

Sweet sixteen and never been kissed.

2007-03-26T19:38:00.000-04:00

My bad moods seem to skyrocket then plumet. "Are you on medication? Because, you should be." "Woah, calm down. It's not my fault your temper is so bad." Everyone's taking notice lately. I can't help it if my true colors are waving in the wind like death flags on a ghost ship. I only take these things to the heart like the daggers that pierce it. Never feeling the pain, always failing to cry out. It seems as though I'm falling fast in one of those dreams. Tripping and falling. My mouth opens and no words come out. I choke. Choke back tears that is. Force them back where they started from. Go back, go back. Droughts are the only thing welcome anymore. When it rains, it pours. Acid rain falls and poisons everything I stand for. I stand for me and me alone. If that's poisoned, then I have nothing else to live for. Therefore, I'll never let it fall. Droughts forever. No pain forever. Taking these things to my head not my heart. It's easy to send a bullet there. No hard skull to protect it from the luster of silver.

Vulnerable.

Are you as confused as I am?

2007-03-26T19:10:00.000-04:00

everything in her life was perfect, everything in his life was not. they were like day and night, the sun and the moon. the things she wanted to be, he was. the things he wanted to be, she was. that's why they matched together so perfectly. fit together like gloves fit on hands. not too tight and not too loose. bright like the day, bright like the sun. dark like the night, dark like the moon. no one understood. they never understood. what brought them together?

nothing.

One more thought before I shut you out.

2007-01-23T18:13:00.000-05:00

get me out of my mind. sometimes i hate thinking the way i do because i feel like i'm selling myself short. it's like i have a one night stand with good times then they all go home in the morning. trading laughs for cries and happiness for sorrow. i make everything overly dramatic, at least in my mind.

thank you for the smile you sent my way when i asked about the quarter over your shoulder.

one more thing. i hate the way you talk to me but don't seem to care. you stalk my away messages and only speak when you think they're about you. forget my favorite relationship, blood can be replaced.

White vs. Blue

2007-01-11T20:37:00.002-05:00

I wish I cared enough to make a New Years Resolution. I feel horrible for saying that, but it's true. I don't need it to be New Years Eve to propose different things to make myself a better person. I can do that any day I choose and I will too. It's just a new year. Another new year to make mistakes, break promises, and lose people. Another year to make good memories, fix relationships, and find friends.

I love the way my hair shines under the sunlight. It makes it look different than myself and sometimes that's okay. I swear that one morning I saw the sunrise tint the world pink. I looked around at everything and it looked prettier with a new shade. I've been noticing all this lately. Up before the sun rises and sleeping way after it sets. I like capturing moments like those and always hate when I miss something so special. I'll snap away pictures until my lense breaks then tear myself up because I didn't catch those clouds with sunbursts shining through them.

I'm not sure what makes you any different from everyone else. You always let me down but find a way to pick me back up again. It's strange. I'm not sure what I feel for you but I know it's something. Friends vs. More than that. I'll figure it out sooner or later. Hopefully later, I have other things to concentrate on. I like that sense of wonder in my mind, anyway.

Nervous for things. I want to travel two hours on Sunday to see the four people that save my mornings with someone I've never spoken to in person, yet. It should be an interesting experience. I like making new friends and we share a lot already. Names, for one. I'm flattered she even offered. I didn't think she was serious at first and now I do. I just hope we're able to take ourselves on this adventure. Just no awkward conversation silences, please. I'm not getting my hopes up, but I'm excited.

Those white flakes fall slowly from the sky. Almost graceful but I daresay more disastrous than anything. You say they fall with finesse and I say they fall with damage control not in their contract. They're falling is very much planned and they won't care how/where they land. Making people 'ooh' and 'ahh' over something so delicate and simple. The only words from my mouth are 'eww' and 'blah'. I know their plans. White isn't common around here right now and I'm not going to lie and say it makes me blue.

Fiction.

2007-01-02T23:16:00.000-05:00

It's the same old same again. Back where we started. cut me loose and let me down. I don't want to be with you. Untie your memories of me and set me free. You're holding me down everytime you let me down so just let me go. My diamond eyes only cry gold tears, but only when you're here. Here as in my head, here as in my heart, here as in never dead.

Dead and gone. Dead and gone.

2007-01-01T22:57:00.000-05:00

My mouth only spits out apologies anymore, anyway. I try to avoid all human contact sometimes. I want to be locked away in a world of my very own. I'll stare at the wall until my eyes hurt and I'll close them, only opening them again to check out of the corner of my eye to see if you're gone. You're never gone. You're always there waiting. Waiting for me, that is. It never fails. All the attention I crave and need is exactly what I don't want. To be a nobody would certainly be my perfect dream, an unsettling one at that. I'll never reach it, just as I won't ever reach the stars. As long as I have my name it acts as my ID to be someone. Here I am. Me. Still spitting out different words and apologies for ignoring you. I said it was an accident, but it was really planned. I'll just live with it for now. Getting all the attention I need and more, not wanting it, but taking it anyway. It's like an addiction. You want to give it up so much, yet can't. I'm stubborn. You're all caught. I wish we could go out and be nobody. Forgotten forever.

That's too easy. Instead I'm sitting here staring at bright Christmas lights on this fake forest like tree. They call them white lights, I call them yellow. They look more yellow than white anyway. The true while light is pure and I won't see it until my death day. Yes, the day I do. I'm hoping for it and living on it. One day it'll bless me by showing itself to my newly dead eyes. I'll follow it until it encompasses around me and sets me free. I'll be waiting for this day.

Someone said to me last night, "I wonder who will die first. You or me." And I replied, "I'm not sure. I guess we'll see. Who even says we'll know each other then?" I darken everyone's brightest day sometimes. This makes me feel horrible. But, I move on and so should you.

I can feel it everywhere, blowing with the winds of change.

2006-12-21T19:33:00.000-05:00

I don't want to do this to you. Your words hurt me more than I let on today. "You're choosing your real friends over me, and thats okay. We'll never meet anyway." I don't like when people talk like that. You're more of a real friend than they may ever be. Don't talk like that. I can't take it, and I won't. I'm just going to put up an away message for the rest of tonight and pretend like everything's okay.

This time of year makes my head spin off track. An icy road takes me over the guardrail, not somewhere I want to go. Down, down, crashing through the glass. Slices all over my head, and oh, a big gash. Maybe it will wake me up from the dream I'm living in. The dream of him. Back to you, back to you. I'm sorry. I don't want to make you feel alone. I won't turn out the way you loathe.

Sleep tight, pretty girl. Sleep safe, young child. People change. I change, just like the seasons. A new face for winter.

I wrote the book of the dead.

2006-12-14T20:47:00.002-05:00

Everytime I open my mouth, "I don't care"'s spill out. They seem to just fall out and never stop. They keep falling and falling as if they were going to Wonderland. Or perhaps they were going down the caves to meet death in the Underworld. I saw the Great Achilles down there. He told me he'd rather be slaves for the scum. Even the great have to fall sometime.

Everytime I open my eyes, I pretend I don't care. The only problem with this is I'm a bigger liar than I let on. I lie to myself day after day. I hate myself because I care more than anything. I care about you and what they do. I care about me and what I see. I care about the world and how ugly it is.

I want to fall down a big black hole just so you'd come after me. You'd stare down and see nothing. No glowing eyes. No sparkling smiles. Nothing. Darkness. Black. My skin would turn ebony. My eyes dead. I would be dead and you'd all miss me.

I zig zag my way through this maze called life. I wait on shortcuts through hedges and hints in the sky. The birds won't sing to me unless I sing to them. I sing at the top of my lungs even when someone's around. My lungs feel as if they're going to collapse at any moment, but I just laugh it off. I laugh everything off. It echos and echos in my mind. My heart. My soul. My body aches but I go on and on. I want to cut myself off because I'm not making any sense. I want to formulate a formula to make life easy. I'd be a millionare but people would continue dying anyway.

Staring down, 6 feet under. Looking up, 6 feet above. I want my wedding day to be full of rain and my funeral day full of sun. Doom my love, doom my new life. Celebrate the life I lived, not the life I lost. Look down at me while I smile back up at you. I will be smiling. My face will be cold, pale, and motionless. All the color gone from my cheeks and lips that used to hold a smile. My eyes will be closed, but I will be there. I swear to every single one of you I will wink and grin. "My mind is playing tricks on me." No, it isn't. It's the same old me, just dead. Happy to know I've lived. Happy to know I'm moving on - and so will you.

Soon I will be forgotten. Soon we will all be forgotten. No one will remember my unforgettable laugh. No one will remember me.

Everytime I open my mouth, "I don't care"'s spill out. They seem to just fall out and never stop. They keep falling and falling as if they were going to Neverland. Or perhaps they were going down the caves to meet death in the Underworld. I saw the Great Achilles down there. He told me he'd rather be slaves for the scum. Even the great have to fall sometime.
Staring down, 6 feet under. Looking up, 6 feet above.

Shattered glass on the floor, makes my feet bleed.

2006-12-04T21:17:00.000-05:00

I am not going to wait around on faulty friendships and cracked conversations. Waiting for you to take the "I miss you's" to the "Let's be friends again" to the "You make me smile's" is like waiting around for the sun to meet with the moon in the sky.

It's 12 A.M. and I'm up thinking of the secrets we used to confide in each other. You're the antidote to cure the poison in my veins. You're the same one who poisoned me in the first place. Quick glances vs. Long stares - we're better off watching each other from the corner of our eyes. We're not meant to meet face to face, eye to eye.

Eye for an eye, heart for a heart. My trade is off because my heart is made of plastic. I traded that in a long time ago when I realized I wouldn't need it. Hate for hate, love for love. My shiny plastic heart keeps me safe at night, but not warm. Shivering in the cold, same position I laid in when I was smaller than your pinky tip. Comfort for comfort, warmth for warmth.

Looking through the glass, we're on opposite ends of the track. I scream, but you only see lips moving. Are my words getting through? They were lost in translation. We must speak different dialects. That's why I'm always waiting. Waiting for you. Just like the spring waits on ice melting on the lakes. Daring boys walk across it, cracking it from every move they make. They're not courageous, just injudicious.

I am not going to wait around on faulty friendships and cracked conversations. Waiting for you to take the "I miss you's" to the "Let's be friends again" to the "You make me smile's" is like waiting around for the vampires to wake underneath the sun.

If you look in the mirror and don’t like what you see, you can find out first hand what it’s like to be me,

2006-11-27T19:44:00.000-05:00

What's the use of having fears?

Fearing death, so you're never living.
Fearing the snakes whom you may cross paths with during your daily walk.
Fearing the spiders who probably live in your bedsheets anyway.
Fearing the shots that may save the life of someone who fears dying.
Fearing being burned alive, so you never play with fire.
Fearing drowning, so you never feel the thrill of the ocean.
Fearing the sharks that dwell in the deep, so you never swim in the ocean.
Fearing the dark, so you never experience nighttime.
Fearing getting sun poisioned, so you never experience the daytime.
Fearing the muderers and rapists, so you never go out in the city.
Fearing the illness, so you're never well.
Fearing life, so you're dying.

It gets you no where.

The sun's in love with vampires.

2006-11-26T10:59:00.000-05:00

I live for the world's ugliness. In that, I find beauty. As ugly as something may be, I will find beauty. A glimmer of hope lies in everything ... even in this cruel and sick world. Beauty is everyday and what we look at, ugly is what we fear. I fear nothing but beauty. Someday it will make my eyes pop so large I won't be able to stand it. I'd give myself for the colors of the sunrise and sunsets, for the deep blue of the sky, for the gray of rainy days, and for the green of spring.

I love the world for it's ugliness. In that, I find beauty.

"Why can't he say what he wants? Why must he speak in dreams?"

2006-11-20T20:35:00.000-05:00

Please .
Stop.
Being.
So.
Overly.
Dramatic.
Thank.
You.

And me? Me. Get a heart and stop being so stubborn. It's not fair to hurt people like this. Do you think you're special? No, I don't. Stop it.

Sure as you breathe, I am there inside you.

2006-11-13T17:44:00.000-05:00

I don't like 'goodbyes' from anything. I technically didn't say goodbye to him, only in my mind. Perhaps that is even worse. I wish I did tell him 'goodbye'. I probably won't seem him again anytime soon ... which may be better ... but I, of course, don't like it. Some may call what he did flirting. I'm not sure what to make of it. All I know is that I enjoyed the time I did spend with him. He made me laugh. I know it could never be, but I can't stop from thinking. He's happy with her. He also gave me his number without asking me. What does that mean? Why would you give someone your number if you didn't want to talk to them? I looked in his phone, he has my number as well. (He did spell my name wrong though, so I fixed it. Shh.) I am making no sense. Besides saying 'goodbye' to him ... I had to say 'goodbye' to the memories I made this weekend. I hate letting go of things like this. I don't want them to end. I feel like a part of me is missing when I don't have to be singing my heart out every night and wearing an itchy costume that left me red marks under my arms. Oh, well. Next year won't be the same. He won't be there. It doesn't matter. I'm making a fool of myself by even thinking about this like I am. It sort of creeps me out. He sort of creeps me out. Yet, I want more. And then there is the other boy. A boy than came back from my past right into my present. He just crashed right in with no notice ahead of time. One day he just appeared. I wonder what is to come of this boy. There is another boy as well. I don't know where to start about him. Mixed emotions all over the place.

And sometimes all you need is one best friend. One best friend who shows that he cares about you everyday just by the smile he gives you for no reason. Or the way he puts his elbow on your deks. The way he doesn't care if he talks to you rather than 'the guys'. The way he tells you he doesn't like seeing you down. For him, I am thankful.

What's love without the loss?

2006-10-29T11:37:00.000-05:00

I feel like I'm losing something I never really had. This is me. What do you want me to do about it? I love to laugh and talk. You still came yesterday after I displayed that. But, now? Now I don't know. I can't dance. I don't dance like a slut. I dance how I want. I'd much rather be taking pictures of people dancing than dancing myself. I feel like a fool. I am a fool.

I feel like I'm losing someone I never really had. Perhaps its paranoia. Not the kind that will land me in a mental institution. The kind that's not big enough for that, but it's too big for me. I can't take it. It keeps pounding at me. You. You. And You.

If you don't like me, then leave.

Keep talking, keep this alive.

2006-10-23T16:14:00.000-04:00

Everytime I hear you talk. Everytime I look at you. Everytime you look at me. Everyime we speak. I want to shoot myself in the head. Or how about the heart? But, that is not possible because I have no heart. My body is not complete. My blood ran cold a long time ago and my heart stopped beating. It's not there. I cannot feel. I only distribute hate to you. My veins are usless. They lay there in my body dead. My head would be the better choice in this situation. I would no longer be able to think. Bullet to the brain baby. Not a bullet to the heart.

How can I be alive?

Poison is a temporary solution.

2006-10-19T16:26:00.000-04:00

She stares at her food like it's poision. But, her stomach growls. So hungry. Oh so hungry. Never ending battle of what they see vs. what she sees. She swallows. It's hard. Her stomach is relieved momentarily until tomorrow when she starves herself again. This is only temporary.

Sit tight and hold on. This will be a bumpy ride.

2006-10-15T15:36:00.000-04:00

I've been lacking in updates just like I've been lacking in time. After October 30th, my soul will be sold momentarily.

Yesterday was one of my favorite days. It was my favorite present. Now it shall be my favorite past. My favorite memory. One of them. I felt like the smallest person in the entire world. I liked that feeling. I stood in the core of millions of people. I didn't matter. In that place I was no one. I was a pretty face passing by and bumping into your shoulder muttering 'sorry'. No one said sorry except for me. That's what set me apart from everyone else. I delcared my independence by still having the decency to apologize. I wanted to spread my arms and just stand there in the bitter cold being no one. It felt nice to have people pass you by and not know who you are. I liked being a no one. I liked the feeling of not mattering there. Almost invisible. Never invincable. Cold air blowing past your face and hiding under your hood. "We're hoodlums. Get it? Hood-lums." Gorgeous faces. Not so gorgeous places. Scary people. Warm people. Two weddings. We stopped for a moment to enjoy the smiles on their faces. "They don't know what they're in for."

When I returned home I mattered again. I was somebody again. All my troubles were back. I couldn't enjoy being away. Even for half a day I enjoyed it. No cares. No worries. It was all alright. I won't get that feeling back for awhile. I have nothing to look forward to. I looked forward to you but this isn't working. Help.

I can't track my moods. Lately, anyway. I don't know whether I'm happy to know him or angry that I do. Sometimes he makes me want to shoot myself in the heart.

xo.

Stop.

2006-10-07T14:59:00.000-04:00

I hate when people are vain and think everything I write is about them. Usually, it's not. Usually it's about many people grouped into one entry or piece of writing. Except for my last entry (which was about Steph). Are people are conceited that they think I'd waste a whole few minutes of my life to rant just about one person? I don't think so.

There are plenty of people I know. There are plenty of people I know who are the same in many ways. Get your head away from wherever it is and realize there are more people in this world I know than you. There are more people in this world I know that are doing the same things you are.

And that wasn't for just one person either. Because a lot of people also think things are just about them.

So stop being so vain.
Get over yourself.

Thanks.

I'm not here to be nice. I'm here to tell you the truth.

2006-10-04T16:52:00.000-04:00

Right now, two things are bothering me very much. Very, very much. I don't care who reads this. And I know that at least one person is going to figure out who and what this is about.

I can't stand the fact that right now, I see an amazing girl who is sweet as good lemonade in the summertime, feeling so lonely. She tells me she's losing her best friend and I don't know what to do except be a best friend to her. I'm not trying to replace anyone. I'm just giving her what she needs. A real friend. A true friend. A friend that will always talk to her. A friend that will forget homework and forget to study, or just plain ignore it, just to talk to this girl for an hour. Or even fifteen minutes. This girl deserves this. We all deserve this. Most of us.

Then there is the person on the other side of this. The 'so called best friend'. The one ignoring this girl. The one who doesn't seem to care. I like this girl. Or so I think. But, she's making a big mistake. She's not giving the other girl the best friend she deserves. She's leaving her out in the dust. She's making her feel alone. She's making her feel like she's losing something. A part of her. And she doesn't even seem to care. She doesn't even seem to try.

This bothers me.

It also bothers me that someone has the nerve to thinking crying is a weakness. Crying is one of the most human things to do. Why do you think God gave us tear ducts? To wipe away dirt from our eyes and to show emotion. I wish I could do it more, but I cannot. Crying does not always equal weakness. Cutting equals weakness. Cutting yourself because you can't deal with yourself or problems you face is weakness. You probably have it better than a thousand other people and you're being selfish. You're bleeding because you can't handle something. That ... that is weakness.

I'm tired of being nice.
I'm tired of saying things in the nice(r) way.
I'm tired of telling the truth and telling it slant.
I'm going to be honest with you now.

You're not stupid. But, what you've done is stupid.

xo.

Untitled.

2006-10-02T15:56:00.000-04:00

My emotions are overloading
You can read them all on my face
The blues and violets are no longer colors
They only represent my mourning
"Take me away, take me away"
"Stop staring, stop staring"
My past, present, and future are all here
They're all happening at once, together
It's all the same and it always will be
Blank, torn pages of something that was never there
Were you really ever here?
I know you're not here now, for sure.
"Good-bye, Good-Bye" they all call out
But, their voices are just whispers
Echoing the empty halls
My past, present, and future are all crashing down.

Nothing ever makes sense.

2006-10-01T16:20:00.000-04:00

I want to hate you so much. I don't want to like you anymore. It starts to work until we have conversations like the one's we're having now.

Why?

Nothing you can do will hurt me, I am indestructible.

2006-09-29T23:08:00.000-04:00

The kiss of death wasn't from you to me. It was from you to her and it killed me.

Thank you for making me realize. But, I couldnt help but notice the glances you were sending me.

My heart may not survive the bruises you're giving it. It won't make it through tonight, darling.

Long live our car crash hearts.

xoxo.

diarying hard lately.

2006-09-29T17:26:00.000-04:00

oh green grass how i will miss you.

hopes of spring fill my mind.

.ox

Darkness falls and I have no where to hide.

2006-09-28T21:26:00.000-04:00

Someone once told me that everything goes colorless when the dark falls upon it. Light = color. Color = beauty. But beauty does not always = color. I find beauty in the night. Although, darkness is an illusion. I cannot always tell the difference between what is real and what is the shadows playing tricks on me. I know they laugh at me. I can never figure it out. Everything's distorted at this hour and I can't find my way around my own house. The color's gone. The illusions are turned on. Where to go?

Heart without a home.

xo.

Our breath rose in the cold like a hundred souls escaping

2006-09-28T15:18:00.000-04:00

I find it funny that for the whole day I only longed for one thing. One simple thing. I waited and waited just so I could come home and drink my Dr. Petter. I'm such a child. That's all I cared about today. Now I'm going to go do it.

If I only get one wish while I'm on this Earth, I'd wish to be able to see for real again. I want to wake up and I want to be able to see five feet away from me. I don't want to have to reach over for my glasses. I don't want to have to worry if my contacts will dry. I want to see the world for real again. I don't want to use something to help me.

double xo; hannahmarie.

Take me to your grave and set me free.

2006-09-23T14:03:00.000-04:00

Sitting in the backs of cars reminds me of when I was younger. Getting to sit in the front was like growing up. All the big kids got to do it. I always sat in the back waiting for the day it would be okay to sit up there next to my Mom or Dad. It's almost like a drug now. I always have to sit in the front. Never the back. Pretty soon I'll be in the drivers seat. I'll be wanting to sit back there again and go back to being the one getting drove around everywhere.

It's official. The summer is dead. The fall is coming. I'm aspiring to be a princess. October's coming quickly and I honestly can't wait. September's going by too slowly, to me. School just started and I feel like I've been there all my life.

I can't track my thoughts anymore. When it rains, it pours. When I cry, it floods. I asked myself yesterday if they really cared. I think some of them do. I think some of them were also just surprised. I'm not sure. All those eyes were on me and for once I didn't want them to be. Stare stare stare. Go away.

Even when we try to be different we're all still the same. There's always someone out there who likes the same things you do. Who dresses basically the same as you do. Who has the same new attitude you do. I try not to care about being different. I'm working on being myself. So far, it's working.

xo. thegirlwiththethorninherside

And when the land begins to call, the sprites they dance, the leaves they fall.

2006-09-19T17:58:00.000-04:00

Autumn and I have a love/hate relationship. It loves to kiss my lips with it's cold breath and I hate to receive these kinds of kisses. I had my first caramel apple of the season and it's not even official yet. It's too early, but I enjoyed it all the same. Even if I had to force it down my not so normal throat at the moment. I really do think I wait for the apple cider and crisp smell of autumn air. I love the changing of the leaves for the most part. The crimsons, the oranges, the yellows. It just saddens me to see the summer die away so quickly. I saw a leaf fall today and I felt an imaginary tear roll down my cheek. "Goodbye."

I think sometimes I'm the only one who enjoys the smell of the burning leaves outside. I don't let myself enjoy stepping outside in shorts and a t-shirt in the cool air and smell the burning. I don't let myself enjoy autumn. (Or winter for that matter.) I've come to hate it. It means winter soon. I don't like winter any more. I dread snowflakes falling onto my backporch. It's not the same anymore.

The only time it's alright is when Christmas is reporting in.

xo hannahbanana

The Devil's made a play this September day to hurt the ones I love.

2006-09-11T17:31:00.000-04:00

All day I've been thinking about this day and what it means to other people. Now, I'm taking the time to think about what it means to me. I remember the day it happened. I was ten. I was in fifth grade. My biggest problems back then were if I wanted ice cream or if I'd make it in middle school with the 'big' kids. I remember sitting at lunch and getting told about it. Granted, it was around twelve o'clock and the attacks had already been happening for a few hours, now. It didn't mean much then. I didn't understand. I didn't understand what was happening. I remember the teachers telling us. The looks on their faces. Their attitude. I could tell it was big, but it didn't mean anything to me. I just mocked everyone else's emotions to try and understand. But, I didn't.

Now I do. The past few years I started, but now I really, really understand. Probably not the greatest of understanding like other people ... that doesn't matter to me, though. I can see the pain on people's faces better now. I can read their eyes and know. I know how much it hurts for those people who lost family members and friends. I can see how much this has effected the United States of America. The past few days I've heard more about the president before ours now and I understand. I understand. My eyes aren't that of a naive little child now. They're not as pure as they were. They can see and understand things better.

They can see that the United States has come closer from all this. There's still so much hate and crime out there ... but we've grown closer together as a country. I've never been prouder to hold my flag or have it waving outside my house, catching the rays of the sun. I've never been prouder to stand on this soil and put my hand over my heart and recite those words. I've never been prouder to sing the National Anthem at the top of my lungs. I've never been more supportive of George W. Bush. You may not like him. You may even hate him. But, I don't. I don't care what you say, either. He is sincere. He loves this country. And he will protect us. I feel safe(r). I know now there will hopefully never be another attack like that on this country.

I thank everyone who helped on 9/11. Those who lost their lives and those who didn't. I thank the passengers on Flight 91 for being courageous and fighting back against the impure. They hurt us, yes. They devastated us for awhile (and maybe even still), yes. But they also made our country stronger. There's a lot that can still be done in this country, but I'm not that worried about it. I thank God for my life. I thank God for not making that worse. And I thank God for giving us hope.

I hope you all can someday thank our President for what he's done and what he's doing. Think for yourselves and don't believe everything you hear. I thank him. You should too.

Remember. September 11, 2001

xo theproudamerican.

I'm the now or never type.

2006-09-06T17:24:00.000-04:00

Today it was another gloomy day. Until I swore I saw the sun peaking through those clouds. Oh, how I've missed my sun. My smile and laughter are never as bright without it.

I am the shadows.

2006-09-04T20:54:00.000-04:00

It's funny how I sit here and secretly wait in hopes of your screen name showing up on my buddylist. When it doesn't, I get dissapointed and wait for tomorrow.

Sometimes I feel stupid.

But, right now, our conversations (real or fake) are the only thing I seem to care about.

Sometimes I feel stupid.

Iamyourdaughter.

2006-08-27T22:50:00.000-04:00

It's slowly winding down to and end. A hault. A complete and total stop. The ice cream doesn't taste the same anymore. The sun's lost it's luster. The cold isn't getting warmer. The starts aren't shimmering the same. (And they always were my stars. Please, don't fall. Give me hope.) My smile isn't the same.

He really doesn't understand. I am him. I am exactly like him. He doesn't expect me to fight back and I do. I'm him but smarter. I'm optimized. When will he realize that?

"I will."
No, you won't. And I won't either. We won't leave him, ever. The day I say 'I do' is the only time I'll ever leave him.

I suddenly don't have the will anymore. The rainy days are rolling in and I find my moods matching the weather. It was gloomy and so was I. Nothing can spark this smile. Don't believe it, anyway. I'm only doing it for you to show you I'm okay. You know something's wrong when you don't have the will to smile. Especially me.

Summer blues.

I'm falling for you like an avalanche.

2006-08-21T22:57:00.000-04:00

Here we go.

And for once it might be grand, to have someone understand, I want so much more than they've got planned ...
I really find truth to those lyrics. No one seems to notice how passionate I am about becoming a police officer.
They all know I want to (except my Dad, I think) and they all probably think it will never happen.
I want so much to be one. More than anyone knows. Anyone. I wish I could find someone that understands it. Really.

`I need you now more than ever.` I hate when someone says that to me then leaves me hanging for another half an hour until I can call them. I'm happy it wasn't what I expected.
I wasn't ready for shock to set in or anything like that.
It turned out to be something totally different than I expected ... sort of.
I'm relieved ... sort of.

It'll all be okay ... eventually.

You know, you know it will always just be me.

2006-08-17T14:50:00.000-04:00

I feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
The weight of a dead boyfriend.
Dead as in, dead to me.
Dead as in he never seemed to make the effort to even talk/see my anymore.
Dead as in it's over.
Dead.

Now I'm thinking of death again. And how once we die, someday we'll be foregotten. As soon as we die, of course, (hopefully) all our family and friends will be mourning over the fact we died. Our children will mourn. Our grandchildren will mourn. Maybe even great grandchildren. But, what happens when the last person who was holding onto your memory just that little bit (maybe even so pushing you to the backs of their minds, but you're still there) dies? We're foregotten. Unless we've achieved something great and our names are published and out there somewhere (or our pictures) we are totally foregotten.

I shall make a name for myself. I don't want to be foregotten forever.
Not me.

I want to file a restraining order against myself.

2006-08-16T00:28:00.000-04:00

It's been over for awhile and he just hasn't noticed yet.
I've been waiting and waiting for the right moment.
I've been trying so hard to build up enough courage to let him down.
This feeling just won't go away.
It makes my skin burn and itch just thinking about it.
It's something I have to do, though.

Silly me is making it sound like the end of the world ...
... when in fact it's not.

Wait..what?

2006-08-06T20:06:00.000-04:00

I don't even know why I've got one of these.

Another place to post how I feel?

I doubt anyone cares much anyway.

Well, I know at least one person does.

How selfish of me to say that.